I tried to make a list of my problems, hoping to top Jay-Z and get to 100, but I saw something shiny and got distracted. Needless to say, I didn't make it to a hundred - I'm alright with it. The shiny object was most satisfyingly sparkley.
001. Bitches. You win Jay-Z, a bitch isn't your problem, but bitches are my problem. Dude, you're the only person on this planet who doesn't have bitch problems. Bitches have bitch problems. Gay dudes have bitch problems. Silk worms have bitch problems. You're a bastard.
002. I think the guy from the Offspring video, Pretty Fly is kinda cool. He has hydraulics on his car! HYDRAULICS!!
003. My laptop went to HP for repairs for a month and I forgot what it looked then until I got it back. I think I may have possibly actually perhaps felt a tiny twang of guilt about it.
004. In my mind, excessive/abusive amounts of physical activity solves most problems or at the very least makes you completely unaware of the repercussions.
005. I like to read webcomics about topics I'm really not into. I'm currently reading a webcomic about indie kids. I didn't even know what an indie kid was until I started reading it. Indie kids don't like My Chemical Romance. I don't either. Common Ground.
006. Something everyone can relate to. I'm broke. I earn steady monies and I'm broke most of the time. What the fu*k?!?
007. When I mention anything about my self-esteem, friends reply, "what self esteem?". This doesn't mix well with my gigantic ego.
008. I have pretty shit short term memory. Which admittedly is hilarious and convenient at times, but still is kind of a pain.
009. Once every few weeks, I lose my bed to my laundry. This time it's gotten out of hand. I've been sleeping on my floor for like a month now.
010. I can lie really damn well. I just don't feel compelled to all that often. I can also be really damn honest. I wish i was more compelled to lie about things.
011. Coffee, energy drinks etc. have no effect on me. No positive effect anyway. This could become a problem in the future when I need to stay awake.
012. I'm a pretty mild-mannered guy until it comes to people who can't park or who park like assholes. I have stickered, vandalized, had towed and called these "drivers" douche bags to their faces. If you drive, learn to park.
013. Related to above. I rage out in small doses. While driving or at people who wonder about Red Bull not being red, but pay not attention to the fact that no bulls are involved in its brewing process. This behavior sometimes leads to me having no reaction at things I should be pissed about.
014. Every few months, my dad says this thing to me in Farsi, which roughly translated means, "Be a dog, but don't be the youngest son." - It's what he was told when he was younger. I'm starting to believe him.
015. Never really been afraid of the dark. Been terrified of Ninjas and Clowns. Ninjas when I was younger; clowns now and forever.
016. I have a very constant and persistent need to know things. Doesn't matter what it's about. I would just rather know than not know.
017. Currently, there is a hoodie that I really want. It's kind of ugly, but in a cool way. Like Pharrell from N.E.R.D. It's 110 dollars but that's not the real issue. The problem is its from Aritzia.
018. I don't like to touch doorbells or bars of soap as both are disgusting.
019. Maturity: Knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom: Knowing you'll be an idiot in the future. Common Sense: Knowing to not be an idiot in the present. - I am truly mature and wise.
020. I need more guy friends.
21. Sometimes my endearingly misguided ways can quickly turn into disturbingly malicious, which isn't as much fun for everyone else. Still, fun for me. Sometimes half full is the best you can get.
Alright, screw it! Jay-Z wins. He's got way more problems than I do. Hope he chokes on one of them.
zQ
September 18, 2008
September 11, 2008
123rd - A free penny
Don't say I didn't warn you.
- Premature Blogulation. Unplanned, random ass blog about nothing.
- I was meant to be a Mongol warlord. Genghis Kahn would be my pen pal. We'd exchange stories of our raping and pillaging. I would invent video recording devices.
- I promise to do my best to try and not use too many cuss words when I talk about you to my shrink or throw in stories about you killing puppies because their eyeballs are the secret ingredient in your cupcakes.
- My kind of Girl: The girly, pretty firebreathing hellbitch type.
- "Ass-Faggoty" and "Ass-Faggotry" are fun words.
- Shoppers Drug Mart: Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Toothpaste, Deodorant, One Loofah. 57.62. What the fu*k?!?! When did hygiene become so expensive. Why Shoppers Drug Mart? For the Optimum Points. Did I have my points card? No.
- That very pretty GTR I almost dry-humped the other day turned out to be my sister's boss's. Don't give me that look! You would have one leg up in the air before you realized what you were about to do too.
- "The bees are trying to have sex with the birds. As is my understanding." Hahaha
- I think Asians get the short end of the racism stick. Haha, "short end". I'm funny. Anyway, everyone is racist towards them in good ways. "You're good at math, aren't ya?" or, "They study hard and respect their parents."or my favorite [which links in nicely with the opening, "tiny and efficient." What do I get? "He's probably got a bomb strapped to his chest under that coat." or "I bet his house smells like Dosas." At least stuff about us is bad so when we do good stuff, people are surprised. When you guys do good stuff, people are completely indifferent about it. "You're Asian. What do you want, a medal?"
- Ink costs pennies a gallon! How the hell do these companies have the balls to charge fifty-two bucks for a plastic container with an ounce and a half of ink inside?!?! Theres a 128 ounces in a gallon! PENNIES!!
- I'm reprioritizing my priorities. I need to kill a hooker. Fast. I feel it's holding me back from the rest of my life. There's life to be had.
- If my brain was the way it is now when I was younger, just more reckless, I wouldn't have survived childhood. Several incidents would indicate I didn't. God Damnit!! They had me cloned! This explains why I'm the shortest one. Clones tend to not be as tall/big as the originals and I'm probably like the seventh or eighth one. Those graves in the family lot with my name on them are also a tipoff. I'm like Michelle's stupid goldfish. I'll never die. His name was Marten.
- I don't have OCD. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I just have the mild bit of OCD that everyone has. You know who has some serious OCD: The Joker.
- Gay people can call each other "homos" and "fags" because that's their thing. Black people can call each other "niggers" and its apparently cool. White people can call each other "cracker" and its cool. What terms do I have for my people that others can't use [well, shouldn't use]? "Camel Fu*ker' and "Turbanator"? What the hell, people? Come up with some better derogatory terms for us. Oh, there's also "dot-head" and "terrorist". Three of those don't even apply to my kind. Real creative. I demand some cleverer things to be offended about being called.
Now, by my math [I've already consulted with my Asian friends], I gave you one penny for free and provided you like $76.53 worth of thought. You owe me $76.52 and tips.
zQ
- Premature Blogulation. Unplanned, random ass blog about nothing.
- I was meant to be a Mongol warlord. Genghis Kahn would be my pen pal. We'd exchange stories of our raping and pillaging. I would invent video recording devices.
- I promise to do my best to try and not use too many cuss words when I talk about you to my shrink or throw in stories about you killing puppies because their eyeballs are the secret ingredient in your cupcakes.
- My kind of Girl: The girly, pretty firebreathing hellbitch type.
- "Ass-Faggoty" and "Ass-Faggotry" are fun words.
- Shoppers Drug Mart: Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash, Toothpaste, Deodorant, One Loofah. 57.62. What the fu*k?!?! When did hygiene become so expensive. Why Shoppers Drug Mart? For the Optimum Points. Did I have my points card? No.
- That very pretty GTR I almost dry-humped the other day turned out to be my sister's boss's. Don't give me that look! You would have one leg up in the air before you realized what you were about to do too.
- "The bees are trying to have sex with the birds. As is my understanding." Hahaha
- I think Asians get the short end of the racism stick. Haha, "short end". I'm funny. Anyway, everyone is racist towards them in good ways. "You're good at math, aren't ya?" or, "They study hard and respect their parents."or my favorite [which links in nicely with the opening, "tiny and efficient." What do I get? "He's probably got a bomb strapped to his chest under that coat." or "I bet his house smells like Dosas." At least stuff about us is bad so when we do good stuff, people are surprised. When you guys do good stuff, people are completely indifferent about it. "You're Asian. What do you want, a medal?"
- Ink costs pennies a gallon! How the hell do these companies have the balls to charge fifty-two bucks for a plastic container with an ounce and a half of ink inside?!?! Theres a 128 ounces in a gallon! PENNIES!!
- I'm reprioritizing my priorities. I need to kill a hooker. Fast. I feel it's holding me back from the rest of my life. There's life to be had.
- If my brain was the way it is now when I was younger, just more reckless, I wouldn't have survived childhood. Several incidents would indicate I didn't. God Damnit!! They had me cloned! This explains why I'm the shortest one. Clones tend to not be as tall/big as the originals and I'm probably like the seventh or eighth one. Those graves in the family lot with my name on them are also a tipoff. I'm like Michelle's stupid goldfish. I'll never die. His name was Marten.
- I don't have OCD. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I just have the mild bit of OCD that everyone has. You know who has some serious OCD: The Joker.
- Gay people can call each other "homos" and "fags" because that's their thing. Black people can call each other "niggers" and its apparently cool. White people can call each other "cracker" and its cool. What terms do I have for my people that others can't use [well, shouldn't use]? "Camel Fu*ker' and "Turbanator"? What the hell, people? Come up with some better derogatory terms for us. Oh, there's also "dot-head" and "terrorist". Three of those don't even apply to my kind. Real creative. I demand some cleverer things to be offended about being called.
Now, by my math [I've already consulted with my Asian friends], I gave you one penny for free and provided you like $76.53 worth of thought. You owe me $76.52 and tips.
zQ
122nd - Rapermail
Today is a weird day for email. I just finished torturing my bestest buddy in the whole universe. Yes, even better than you, Other. In which I rapped for a few verses. Rap Gods have all lost their boy parts [note: I didn't say they have girl parts, just misplaced their boy parts] and are unable to smite me. Bitches. Also worth mentioning, this email was Subjected, "Rapemail", Half way through I realized what it possibly said and changed the Subject line. However painful that was for her to read- again, I'm really sorry - It did not prepare me for this.
I get this email from a friend of mine. I won't mention who but I'm pretty sure everyone will figure it out pretty damn quickly. She's an angry sort of gothicky, emotionally devoid [weird Asian Robot upbringing] evil bitch, who likes some boy named Simba or Kimba or something, type with a constant chip on her shoulder about being an accountant. Anyway, she sends me this email.
She made some excuse about being depressed and whatnot when I questioned her about this. I'll paste her defense.
"i included you in the fwd b/c i knew you'd get a kick out of it
i dont much like mickey etc or the mushy scene, i do like the leaf umbrella tho
also, my friends need cheering up... they're all stressed from watcase.
and it did cheer them up (one sent heartfelt thanks)
and i dont know why you mentioned that boy in there -_-
btw, i dont think the picture is all that cute
again, nice msg to my friends
and the "aww so cute... " bit i didnt even write =p
it was from the person who fwded to me
i just left it there cuz i like the leaf umbrella"
The end is nigh!! Stupid French/Swiss. Leave to you to void out all existence. I regret nothing! Well, I regret lots of things but I'm sure as Hell not going to discuss it here. I'm sure me and God will have plenty of time to discuss the things I regret and the things I don't that I should once this is all over which looks like it's going to be sooner than later.
WTF?!?!
Be good.
zQ
p.s. I have no rights to this picture. so, if the owner comes along, we're very sorry but you should know this thing is being emailed around like no business. you should be pissed at them, not me - and that we'll take it down if you say so.
--------------------------------------------------
aww so cute.... i want a leaf umbrella too!
YOU HAVE HOWEVER MUCH TIME YOU (but the sooner the better) TO TELL YOUR
FRIENDS THAT YOU LOVE THEM! GO!
Life is short and time is a thief.
Live like you have no tomorrow!
FRIENDS THAT YOU LOVE THEM! GO!
Life is short and time is a thief.
Live like you have no tomorrow!
--------------------------------------------------
I get this email from a friend of mine. I won't mention who but I'm pretty sure everyone will figure it out pretty damn quickly. She's an angry sort of gothicky, emotionally devoid [weird Asian Robot upbringing] evil bitch, who likes some boy named Simba or Kimba or something, type with a constant chip on her shoulder about being an accountant. Anyway, she sends me this email.
She made some excuse about being depressed and whatnot when I questioned her about this. I'll paste her defense.
"i included you in the fwd b/c i knew you'd get a kick out of it
i dont much like mickey etc or the mushy scene, i do like the leaf umbrella tho
also, my friends need cheering up... they're all stressed from watcase.
and it did cheer them up (one sent heartfelt thanks)
and i dont know why you mentioned that boy in there -_-
btw, i dont think the picture is all that cute
again, nice msg to my friends
and the "aww so cute... " bit i didnt even write =p
it was from the person who fwded to me
i just left it there cuz i like the leaf umbrella"
The end is nigh!! Stupid French/Swiss. Leave to you to void out all existence. I regret nothing! Well, I regret lots of things but I'm sure as Hell not going to discuss it here. I'm sure me and God will have plenty of time to discuss the things I regret and the things I don't that I should once this is all over which looks like it's going to be sooner than later.
WTF?!?!
Be good.
zQ
p.s. I have no rights to this picture. so, if the owner comes along, we're very sorry but you should know this thing is being emailed around like no business. you should be pissed at them, not me - and that we'll take it down if you say so.
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