Brothers. Yes, brother. There is something I desire to share with you. What is it, brother? It happened this morning. Go on, brother. Yes, we are all ears. Do go on. Very well. As I commuted to the places of my employ this morning, when I looked to my right I saw what can only be described as a monstrosity. Monstrosity, brother? Surely this is a hyperbole of sorts. No, brother. A monstrosity in every way conceivable. Do go on. We can hardly keep from guessing what this monstrosity you speak of may be. Was it a fat man eating an ice cream cone? That early in the morning? That's blasphemy! No, brother. Surely there is nothing that could be considered more of a monstrosity than a fat man eating an ice cream cone at that ungodly hour. But there is brother, there is. I beg you brother, do not keep us in suspense any longer. What could it have a been? I will tell you. Please do. The Pontiac Aztek. - - - - What is that, brother? Some type of ancient warrior raised from the dead to devour our souls? That would be a monstrosity. No brother. It's much worse. Surely not! Yes. It's the ugliest, most foul and nonsensical car ever designed. Hasn't Pontiac been around for a thousand years? It has, brothers. Nonetheless, this half Sport Utility Vehicle slash half camping tent was the product of their labors. How deeply disturbing. My thoughts exactly, brother. One can surmise that Pontiac was sodomized by Coast Mountain Sports. How terrible. Yes, but the visual is rather amusing. We are digressing, brothers. But car sodom- No brothers. We must focus on the task. We must be prepared to surrender to death if the alternative is association with such atrocities. How do you propose we go about dying? We don't die brothers. That's good then. But in the event, what does our dying have to do with the Aztek? Are we raising them from the dead to exact revenge upon Pontiac? I think being sodomized by an outdoor sporting goods store is revenge enough. No, brothers. We just have to make sure our persons are never subject to be carriaged in the trunk of that car. Wouldn't a hearse be more fashionable? It would, brother. A hearse is rather pricey. However, I have done some research and have found some affordable alternatives for our passage to our final resting. Cremation? No, brother. Dynamite? No, brother. Giant fu*kings ducks? No, brother. - Well, what about those forcep- Please let me finish, brother. Very well. I am standing on anticipation. I may continue then? You may. Uninterrupted? Yes, of course. Very well. Mini Hearses. Before you continue, we'll be needing a hot dog. A what? A hot dog. They're delicious. Very well.
Brothers, I was in the market for a semi-futuristic sort of Barbecue that had enough room on it to cook for sixty people all at once. I also would have preferred it be mobile so that I may pursue a career in BBQ vending if the whole goat erotica thing didn't work out. That's working out well though, isn't it? It is. Have you gotten Arnie to stop eating the set props? Not yet, Brother, but we're making strides. Have you considered spraying something bitter on to everything on set? I have. And? We felt it killed the energy in the room. Enough. Brothers, I give you the Ford Flex. How do you not think, "I need a hot dog" when you see this thing in your rear mirrors. Look at it! How does that not scream SEMI-FUTURISTIC-BBQ-FOR-SIXTY-OF-YOUR-CLOSEST! How? I am feeling the craving for pureed pigeon and vermin wrapped in a skin of bovine anus. I can taste it now, brothers. Where are we going to find a hot dog vendor at four in the morning? Look at it! It's gorgeous! I'm compelled by my lust for exotic meats to just pop that thing open and throw down a large slab meat, baste with my special sauces and GRILL!! [there, a whole bunch of that's what she said moments. that was for mome and iqbal]. Come, Brothers! There are wieners to be had!
Brothers, I am well fed. Stuffed even. As am I. Those foot-longs do hit the right spot. [yeah, i've no explanation for why this thing turned into a 'that's what she said' game. we are sorry.] Were you not informing us your findings, brother? I was. Shall I continue? By all means. I am curious to know about these affordable hearses. Very well. Are you beginning? No, brother, I am continuing. My apologies.
This brothers is the PT cruiser. Designed by Chrysler some eight years ago was their answer to a modern, affordable and family friendly hearse. It looks like a midget hearse. Or the type of hearse people who buy ten thousand dollar baby coffins would use if they're planning on burying the hearse as well. Rich people. Who understands them? Who buries a hearse? One of the plus sides of this hearse is that when it's not taxing midgets and newborns from this life to the next, it can be used to transport obscene amounts of liquors and drugs. It is rather roomy, isn't it? It is. I always wondered about that. But this wouldn't fit a normal sized coffin. Of course not. So, how does this help us? It doesn't. Then why mention it, brother. To illustrate that there are options. Options, brother? Yes, options, brother. I should also point out, it can be blinged up. "Blinged up", brother? Yes. Explain. Look below, brothers. It still looks like a midget hearse. Agreed, brother.
You mentioned other options, brother. I did. What are they? I will tell you. Please do. I shall. Right now? Yes, brother. We're listening. We feel sleepy, brothers. Hearses are a deathly boring subject. Clever. They are. Then why are we discussing them? I want a protein shake. I don't think that's possible at this hour, brother.
Not to be outed from the family hearse market by Chrysler- The actress? - No, brother. Vehicle Manufacturer. I see. Yes. Chevrolet decided that they would improve upon Chrysler's blunder and make their family friendly hearse larger. This, brothers, is the HHR. Car Manufacturers don't much respect the dead, do they? Not as much as we hoped brother. Ironic. I wouldn't want to caught dead in that thing. Very funny. Thank you, brother. It comes with a turbo. Why, brother? I supposed to help reduce the time your corpse spends in one. That's nice of them. Yes, one's corpse can only be demeaned so much before it stops being amusing. Usually after the puppet play. Agreed, brother. Even then, only if the play is concluded before they get rigid. You are referring to riger mortis, brother? Is that what that's called? The stiffening of skeletal and cardiac muscle shortly after death, yes.
We have arrived at a conclusion. Have we, brothers? We have. We've decided. Go on. In the event of our death- Yes, brother. Fed-Ex our bodies to the final resting place or just bury it wherever our last breath escapes. That may raise some complications, brother. I am aware of it. At the very least, put me in a suitcase neatly and taxi me over. You needn't worry about that. Consider it done, brother. Now brother. Yes. Tell us this. I will do my earnest. What in the name of pasta were these people thinking. Which people are you referring to, brother? These people, brother.
Oh. I'm speechless, brothers. Do you not drive one of those, brother? I do, brother. It is however much easier to get into. Stairs? No, brother. Common Sense. Shall we get some coffee? Yes, brothers. I am itching for something hot and black inside me. Brother, your innuendos will never cease to amaze.
zQs
1 comment:
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i told you redbull was would have side effects
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